How To Kill Squirrels In Your Garden

Squirrels rule. Here's why:

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Where have you been all my life?

I've tried to explain my love of squirrels to folks before, only to watch them back away slowly and speed dial their doctor for a rabies vaccine. So here it is (with pictures), twelve amazing facts about squirrels for the uninitiated.

1) There's a squirrel superhero: Squirrel Girl! (And Ulysses –the squirrel superhero from Kate DiCamillo's fabulous Flora and Ulysses, who writes poems!).

2) Squirrels can jump vertically five feet, and can leap between objects that are over ten feet apart. Given that squirrels are less than 1/10th the size of people, if you could do this, you would be a superhero who could literally jump onto five story buildings and clear buses and trucks in a single bound.

3) Squirrels can sprint faster than you. (Unless you're Usain Bolt, in which case you're probably faster than a squirrel. But can you run vertically up a tree at 12 mph? I didn't think so.)

Twiggy has experienced more in two squirrel years than most people do in a lifetime.

4) Squirrels are good swimmers, although they usually prefer not to. Except for Twiggy, the water-skiing squirrel.

Rare Oberlin Unicorn squirrel.

Albus, the rare Oberlin unicorn squirrel.

5) The college I went to had a rare white unicorn squirrel in its central square. I saw it once, and it was one of the best days of my life. tumblr_m2s6z0PdWp1qgugy6o1_500

Moments later there was nothing left but bones. (Image from Brian Ashcraft)

6) In Japan, there are squirrel gardens (where you can pet squirrels with oven mitts).

7) The white fur on the inner thigh of a squirrel is the softest thing you have never touched.

8) Squirrels pull out their tail fur for their young.

9) A squirrel nest is called a drey. It looks like a leafy piñata in a tree, but please don't hit it with a stick.

10) Squirrels in North America used to migrate in massive numbers, following cycles of bountiful acorn harvests. When settlers first arrived in this country, they reported squirrels being so thick in the trees above during a migration that they nearly blocked out the sun. The best part — squirrels could do most of the journey from the East coast to Indiana without touching the ground. But as settlers started to clear the old growth oak forests, the great squirrel migrations became fragmented. Where squirrels had to cross fields, they were killed by coyotes, foxes, and other predators, including people who reported killing hundreds of squirrels (and getting three pennies a pelt). The last great squirrel migration was in 1968 in Wisconsin, when hundreds of thousands of squirrels were seen migrating (and dying on the highway and in lakes). One fisherman reported a wave of squirrels swimming toward his boat and nearly sinking it as they ran over him. Since then, this mass migration behavior has gone extinct.*

11) The Japanese flying squirrel is the cutest thing you have ever seen. (If this doesn't win you over to the squirrel side of the force, then try number 12).

Laugh not. We ate a dog.

Laugh not. We are fierce.

12) Squirrels have been known to gang up and attack much larger animals. Don't believe me? Here's a BBC report of squirrels in Russia who killed a large Rottweiler that barked at them (Note: this story is graphic and may be upsetting for some readers). Although squirrels are small, together they are powerful.

Most importantly, squirrels are nature's foresters. According to researchers, squirrels tend to forget around 10% of the nuts that they bury. By spreading and burying tree nuts (like acorns and chestnuts) it's estimated that squirrels plant millions of trees each year in North America alone!

And we can fly too!

*Okay, this post might seem to have very little to do with writing (except for the fact that squirrels are awesome, and therefore an inspiration to every writer ever) but for years I've wanted to write a book on squirrel migration (see #10). Trouble is, when I tried to research it, I found that very few biologists know about this behavior, and one of the leading experts, Dr. Flyger, (yes, that really is his name) has passed away. So it's been a tough one to investigate, but if you know any experts on squirrel migration, or migration witnesses, please send me their contact information. The wonder of squirrel migrations must be documented before all knowledge of this fantastic (and now extinct) behavior fades entirely from human ken!

Final note: There is a Squirrel Lovers Club. Don't judge. Just join. If you love animal stories and ecological thrillers, check out my latest award-winning novel: THE LAST PANTHER.